What Your Car Says About You

So it comes that special time in your life to purchase a car. Naturally it’s a big decision for anybody, whether you’re the destitute student pondering over an ancient Mazda 323 or Toyota Tazz, or the multi-billionaire contemplating whether to enhance your collection with either a Pagani Zonda or Koenigsegg CCX. The question here is what exactly is the right choice and is there in fact such a thing as the perfect car? I’ve been deliberating over this for some time now, and for the most part it’s got me completely stumped.

Many cars these days are good either on paper and/or mechanically. In fact that is almost the easy part to get right. There is no denying that over the years automotive design and production has been propelled along like a leaf in a hurricane, not sure where it’s going, but certainly getting their with extreme gusto and speed. However this is not the focus of today’s topic. There is another factor, which is to a certain degree a greater factor in the decision process. The social implications of your purchase. Or to put it another way, what your car says about you.

Firstly I’m going to start with the easy one. Girls, what can you buy? Luckily for you the answer is absolutely anything you want. Annoyingly it actually doesn’t matter. So yes even, “That cute blue one,” is the right choice if you really must. Everyone knows for the most part women have absolutely no interest in whether the car you plan to buy is actually any good or not, just so long as it’s cute, a nice colour and, “Gets me from A to B.” So with the ability to pass off any tin-can-on-wheels manufactured in the Pacific Rim as cute, you can run out and buy a pink Daihatsu Materia and nobody will bat an eyelid because it’s practically expected.

Girls now that I have grabbed your attention – no doubt by annoying you – there is something you need to know. A girl driving a really good car is one of the most attractive sights to a man, stimulating that primitive “must have” part of our brains. Whether it be the testosterone filled Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X, or a stylish Alfa Romeo Brera, catching a glimpse of a woman behind the wheel of a hot car as she cruises past you does more for us guys than spending days deciding whether we’ll notice you more in a pair of Christian Louboutin’s or Monolo Blahnik’s ever could. Seriously, take it from me, wear flats out and tell all the guys you meet that you drive a Subaru Impreza and you’ll have them crawling over broken glass to be with you. Try it, I dare you.

Now to the hard part, the guys. Fellas I’m afraid we’ve drawn the short straw here just because we have an inherent fascination with the automobile. We’re as bad as girls judging each other on what they wear, and don’t even try to deny it. We’ve all simultaneously hated and envied the man who flies past us in his Ferrari. Or scoffed out loud at the hapless chap meandering down the street in his Datsun bakkie, fake plastic rims trying so desperately hard to spin. Buying a car for us therefore becomes a minefield of potential dangers and pitfalls. First off all the truly terrible cars have to be eliminated, because face it, no matter who you are you will become the subject of ridicule for buying a pink Nissan Micra convertible – even if you’re Lolly Jackson. Especially as we cannot in all good conscience pass it off as being “cute.”

From this it’s clear to see that the options left are as severely limited as Tiger’s future prospects of getting laid. And of course anything that’s left still needs to pass the socially acceptable test. Take for example the Mini. Unless it’s a Cooper S or the insane John Cooper Works, you see them exclusively driven by women. I’m going to stick my neck out here, subject myself to the ridicule of everybody and say that I like the new Mini. Obviously it’s nowhere near as iconic as the original, that would be an absurd statement to make – and while it is a complete and utter cash in on the brand – annoyingly I find it to be a good car. The biggest problem is it’s been turned into the girly car poster child. And as the ego driven beast that a man is, we cannot be caught dead in one unless we have absolutely no self esteem whatsoever. And as for the convertible, I honestly couldn’t survive the humiliation of going on a test drive, let alone actually owning one.

Each car has its own public image, something each of us knows about it and therefore the person sitting behind the wheel is associated with. Driving a BMW for example shouts out selfish investment banker; the Subaru Impreza lets people know in no uncertain terms that you’re a wannabe boy racer compensating for his lack of manhood with burnouts skills; a Mercedes says you want to be seen as successful, lounging in the lap of luxury and want to be treated more importantly than you actually are; a Volvo says you’re extremely risk adverse person, all safety and no fun. The list just goes on and on. So, all things considered, what does one buy?

Well I guess I could just say stop worrying about what others think and be an individual. But for one we all know that’s not going to happen, and two I’d like to think I’m slightly more professional than that. At the beginning of this article I stated that its hard for anyone to make their mind up, which is true. However I’m going to let those billionaires make the tough decisions for themselves, as I’m sure they’re used to it by now and probably already know what they want – as they’ve been dreaming about that car since they were just a child. For the rest of us I do have a few ideas.

If you’re a student or just starting out in life, the best option has to be the Ford Fiesta. It looks stunning without the ridiculous over compensatory look-at-me styling of the Opel Corsa. It’s not over priced for what it is, unlike the Mazda 2 or Alfa Romeo Mito. And is a good all round performer without making me so bored I fall asleep just thinking about it, like the VW polo.

For the family man, the Honda Accord. A truly stunning car, brilliant in every way. Beaten in performance by the Germans no doubt, but again it’s not boring, very stylish (especially in black), is something different and any old person comments flung your way will swiftly be calmed the moment you pass them by.

Finally, for the sports car enthusiast, the Honda S2000. Yes I realize I suddenly seem to be favouring Honda, but this car, while now discontinued, can still be picked up good as new quite easily. It’s a stunning drive, pushing all the right sports car buttons while still making you look manly. What truly makes the S2000 stand above the rest is that it does not fall into the girly looks trap that most sports cars do – see the Mazda MX5 and Mercedes SLK – but rather pulls off that hard to reach combo. The manly sports car, following in the same vein that the Triumph TR6 did all those years ago.

So remember when making your next purchase to take all things into consideration and don’t just believe the salesperson babble. Think about what you’re getting yourself into when purchasing a car and the feeling that car gives off. Make sure it’s you and remember to always consider all available options. And why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

Nick Hodgson

Photo Credit: Quickpic / Motorpics