Volvo XC60

I’ve read a number of reviews on the new Volvo XC60, but to be honest I don’t think there is one that I could single out in my mind as unique. It’s as though every motor journalist in the world has the same thing to say for Volvo – summarised into a single word, “safety.”

I however wish to redefine Volvo – and in order to maintain the trend I’ll use a single word as well, namely, “boring.” I’ve been interested in cars for as long as I can remember and even if I think about it really hard, like so hard that my eyes water and smoke bellows from my ears I’ve never wanted a Volvo. I have no doubt that the Swedish manufacturer employs some of the most educated and bright minds in the business, the problem though is there attention is focussed on one aspect. Yes you guessed it, the “S” word.

When I saw the first pictures that were released I actually thought that the XC60 wasn’t the worst looking SUV around. However this is a classic case of the picture looking better than the real thing. I’m not sure if trickery was involved in the photo shoots, but the proportions look different when standing next to the thing. It’s not elegant or sleek, its odd…in the same way that a penguin running the 100m in a tutu might look.

It’s a classic case of form following function. The size and shape of the body is decided by just one  thing – namely how many airbags they think will make this the safest car on the road. Everything else follows on from there. Seriously they have airbags for anything and everything, even your eyebrow. (Of course I’m only joking, but it has almost become that ridiculous) Anyway back to how the design process goes…they draw some or other shape that will resemble a car around all the airbags, throw some wheels on the bottom and there you have it, the all new Volvo XC60.

Fair enough, I’ve over simplified the process because after all those Swedes know how to put an interior together. Everything in the XC60 has an unmistakable Swedish feel to it – which means it will never break and probably last through the likes of a nuclear winter, along with cockroaches and that glow in the dark Enterprise polony.

Now I’m sure a lot of people will be thinking to themselves, “Why hasn’t this idiot said anything about that thing that helps you avoid crashing?” Well I haven’t mentioned it because it didn’t work in my test vehicle. A fact I’m glad I found out by driving into an inflatable object, rather than another car, or the wall at the end of my garage. The reason it didn’t work is still a mystery to me, however I have a sneaky suspicion that in their over zealous advertising campaign that splattered stickers over the entire length of the driver’s side, Volvo stuck a sticker over the sensor at the top of the windscreen. In the process disabling the system which would explain the “Windscreen Sensor Blocked” error message I encountered on the dash as I drove into the inflatable object.

That’s not the only bit of safety kit that didn’t work on the XC60. The lane departure warning system didn’t know whether it, or I, was coming or going. It worked twice in the week I drove the Volvo and I couldn’t work out either time what I was doing different to the other thousand times I changed lane without indicating. The one safety feature that actually worked is one I find to be very important, namely blind spot indicators. Basically a little orange light comes on in your side mirror when something is in your blind spot, which should become a standard feature on all cars in my opinion.

Unfortunately, to extend the lack of excitement, I come to how the XC60 goes. The five cylinder turbo-diesel engine is refined, quiet and responsive. 136kW and 400Nm provides enough go to overcome the Volvo’s 1.9 ton body weight and automatic gearbox, but that’s about where it ends. The all-wheel-drive means that it handles the bulk with a decent amount of poise and the steering is direct and precise for an SUV. But it’s still an SUV which means that in the bends it leans like that tower in Pisa – no matter how many acronym’d stability systems you throw in the mix.

At the end of the day nothing about the drive grabbed my attention. I didn’t have the urge to just go for a drive in the XC60. The head of development for Volvo’s large cars, Hans Wikman, went as far as to say that this is the sportiest car Volvo have ever made. A statement that I’m sure was merely a desperate attempt to get people off the safety thing – however not only does that make me doubt Volvo’s hot-hatch, the C30 T5, it makes me doubt old Hans’ personality. In fact it makes me think that he is the type of person who would stay in and watch an omnibus of “Binnelanders” rather than go for a night out with a group of Swedish supermodels.

Which leads me to ask myself, “What does the XC60 have that would make me buy one?” For me, sitting here now, absolutely nothing would make me buy the Volvo. It’s not exciting. It’s not pretty. And starting at R481,000 its not the best value in the small luxury SUV sector. It is however safe. (Well provided you know how to get all the systems working) So mum, is there anything more important to you than the safety of your child?

Miles Downard
Photo Credit: Quickpic